The Blues

It's 2:48am and I'm sitting here defeated as always. Clearly tomorrow is the big day to take this test in Organizational Theory & Behavior and if it's looking good, it damn sure ain't feeling good. I think I've done everything humanly possible to prepare me for this test and after being quizzed by my girlfriend, I feel like I don't have a damn clue. What's really going on? People maybe able to say a lot about me, but they'll never be able to call me a quitter. That characterisitic just ain't in my character. I feel like a blazing idiot when I think how life has continously kicked my a** and I get up, brush myself off, and come back to take another a** whoopin. I just don't know.

I've seen many people acquire Bachelor's degrees and to be perfectly honest, I just don't feel like I can stop here. I want the Master's so bad I can almost taste it. Perhaps my judgment has been affected as a result of my wants. Everyone isn't cut out to be a top notch student. History has proven that definitely isn't my claim to fame. It just maybe my calling to be an average guy. Well, I say if I'm going to be average, I'm going to go down fighting to do extraordinary things. I just don't know how much left I have in the tank to continue fighting the good fight. It has been said that a fool is a man who tries the same thing over and over again and expects a different result. Well, I maybe a fool to be back in school.

Prayerfully, the lord knows the desires of my heart and hopefully will bestow upon me favor to accomplish those desires. I don't know. Sometimes I honestly can't tell. It maybe that grad school was never in his will in the first place. That's what you get for being out of compliance. Somethings got to give, that's for damn sure. Either way, in approximately fourteen hours, destiny will have to be faced. As with all of my academic fights, I know I'm probably going to go down, but bit**, best believe I'll go down swinging. I still have my pride even at my lowest of points.

I'm Out...

Mr. Insatiable

It's 4:28pm and I'm sitting and work with a truckload of things to do. Strangely enough I just don't care today. Man, I'm so burnt out with nothing else to give and still have grad school classes tonight. Mind you, I have a test on Thursday as well. This sh** is getting really old. All I want to do is just become the great man that I'm destined to be. The process of getting there is for the birds lol.

I don't know what I've done to myself but for reason I have to be the overachiever. I always have to want more out of life. Why can't I just sit my ass down and go with the flow. I have a beautiful lady, a decent job paying fairly well I guess, a bachelor's degree, fraternally affiliated in more ways than one, and I'm still not satisfied. WTF is wrong with me? Perhaps I've watched other people's lives and made myself a fan of their work. Perhaps I'm never pleased with my own efforts because someone else appears to have done better than me. I know I'm destined to be at the top but even when I'm there, I'm not convinced that I've reached the highest peak.

I'm not sure where this mentality will take me because I've never landed amongst the stars. I've honestly done well enough to make the cut and in some cases get by. This pattern is exactly just that, a pattern. I convince myself to stop but I can't because I want for so much more. Perhaps I'll see you again blogger audience when I have a new accomplishment to share with you. Either way it turns out, I know my future is destined for greatness because I am made in "HIS" image and likeness. Faith without works is dead and I'll admit, I don't work as hard as I should. I mean look at me, I'm typing this while I'm at work. (Go Figure)

I'm Out...

Missing My Crown

It's 6:35pm and I'm feeling kinda blah like always. Truth be told, life has shown me several small glimpses of happiness, but the consistency is really lacking. My mind goes back, and back, and back, and back, and I try to realize where and when I lost my swagg. After wracking my brain for hours, it finally came to me. My swagg and the spirit of confidence died when I cut my hair. Most of you all may find it hard to believe but I used to have a thick grade of long hair. We're talking shoulder length without having it straightened. I cannot tell you how much I really valued and cherished my hair.

Now I know there is a lot of conflict when it comes to men and us having long hair but it really gave me a deeper sense of self. It almost seemed like my mind retained more knowledge with hair. Doesn't make sense? Well, it didn't always make sense to me either but that's how it went. It makes my mind reflect on the story of Sampson and Delilah. I'm not saying that I cut my hair due to the influence of a female counterpart. I'm saying I chopped my crown to fit in the corporate culture of the School of Business & Industry at Florida A&M University. It was told to me upon my admission into the program that men with long hair was not an acceptable image into the culture of corporate America. I wanted my hair but I desperately wanted to place myself in a position to be awarded an internship with one of the big fortune 500 companies. Well, after chopping the crown, I graduated from (SBI) and did not pick up one internship while I was there.

So as I sit at 26 years old looking to further myself and really gain the discipline it takes to be a full-time boyfriend, employee, part-time student, fraternity man, and Mason, I realize that all of these commitments and obligations would have been quite easy with my crown. Why? Because kings make things happen. I'm no longer royalty, but a part of the masses. Should I grow it back and restore the confidence of my youthful expression, or remain a product of socieities eyes in the constant struggles of wondering how it would make me appear. I honestly don't know. I do know that I miss it more than ever. It was just something different about my confidence. It made me feel unique. I wasn't like the rest. Let me get off my soap box.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but you can't be a king without it.

I'm Out...

Give Me a Break....Spring Break 2010

The time is 12:23am and I just finished another round of Billy Blanks "Boot Camp" workout with my lady. Some how it just dawned on me that this week is spring break. Ahhhhh man, the time of year where the inner savage is given permission to be just that, a savage. I remember when I used to look forward to this time of year as an undergraduate of Florida A&M University. I'd sit and make plans with my fraternity brothers to leave the town for our annual Panama City break. Definitely good times and great fun. As I got ready to make my annual call, I realized I was fully employed with a job I have to report to in the morning. AIN'T THAT A BI***. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to receive my bi-weekly direct deposit and all, but this break would really be what the doctor ordered. While the collegiates are out of town drinking their lives away, sleeping until the middle of the day, sunbathing, partying to loud music, and enjoying the company of the opposite sex, I'll be home preparing for another day of work.

Welcome to the life of an adult. This is a world filled with responsibilites that can't be placed on hold for self fulfillment. Welcome to the life of business files, company e-mails, nagging bosses, and needy clients. The aroma of coffee beans and the groans of caffine addicts who need their daily fix. ::Shudders:: I guess you get use to it after a while, but it doesn't stop me from missing the good ol days. Forgive me collegiates lol, but I'll more than likely live vicariously through your facebook photo albums and reflect on the days of my youth. If I can offer a bit of useful advice, I would say enjoy undergrad and do as much as you socially can, because when you walk across that stage, the music stops, the lights go off, and the party ends. See ya on the other side lol.

I'm Out...

Soul Ties

It's 12:48am and I just finished working out to Billy Blank's bootcamp dvd. Why? Because I'm trying to get that last minute sexy going before I'm draping a tuxedo to stand in front of one of my closest friends wedding guests. I recently received the honor of serving as a groomsman for his wedding.

As I sat at his final rehearsal dinner tonight, a number of thoughts crossed my mind. First, I was proud of the courage he had to make the decision to find a woman that he loved enough to make her his wife. Now some of you may think that's not that serious; however, the average brother isn't trying to place himself in a serious monogomous relationship, let alone jump the broom. The second thing I thought was, how are his ex-girlfriends feeling about his current union. I know it's not something that should be mentioned but bump it, I'm keeping it real. Hell, I wonder if they were informed and even invited to the wedding. Speak out ya'll, is it considered common courtesy to invite your ex to your wedding? Technically I guess their feelings don't matter because they didn't have what it took to make the cut. Truly, it is my beliefs that his wife is an extraordinary woman and she deserves to be married to a man of his caliber.

I currently am happily in love and can't wait for the day to take Beyonce's instructions and put a ring on it. I also know that I only plan on doing the whole marriage thing once so I want to make sure I do it right. It takes a brave man to want to walk the plank as most of us put it; however, many of the lucky ones don't drown after the plunge, they float and eventually walk on water because marriage is an institution that is ordained by God. Anyway, congratualtions to you my brother and I wish you and your beautiful bride nothing but pure happiness, joy, and most of all, love for God and one another. I'll be there tomorrow to help you all celebrate your crowning achievement. Thanks for thinking enough of me to bestow me with that honor.

I'm Out...

Back For the 1st Time

The name is Xavier E. Durden and I'm a man who wears many hats and holds many titles. The purpose of this blog is to give you a free pass into my mind, my mentality, my thoughts, my convictions, my opinions and views, and most of all, my life. I'm quite confident that you will find this and other visits to be quite interesting as a lot will be shared here.

I'll cut right to the chase and get it out of the way. Most know me to be very politically correct and strategic with the words I choose to express myself. I'm abandoning that mentality and know that I'm going to call it like I see it and shoot straight from the hip.

It's going to be a bumpy ride folks so you might want to buckle up. Feedback is appreciated and definitely key so feel free to drop a comment, add a line, or give ya boy a shot out.

I'm Out....